Oh God, Antonio's boss... I think he's on to me... I can't talk about this here. It isn't safe... Must act normal... Can't talk about fish... No, normal means talking about me. Yes, that's it, all about me.

So tonight I had dinner with three other people from Wash U who started at Epic this summer. And us four aren't the only ones. Epic is crawling with Wash U grads. So if you are at Wash U and you are looking for a job where you will be well paid to sit in training for several months and where you can occassionally meet and have dinner with other people from Wash U that you never met during four years of school, then apply to Epic today! And tell them I referred you. If you are anyone else looking for any sort of job, then apply to Epic today! And tell them I referred you. Then come to Madison and move into the beautiful Stone Creek Apartments. And tell them I referred you.

And Friday is the beginning of another long weekend, and so I will be making the drive to Indiana again. During such a trip, you want to make sure your car gets plenty of fluids. For me, the first step toward this goal was to get my first oil change. So I went to Jiffy Lube. Aside from the little oil spill incident, everything went fine. It went fine because, when there is a little oil spill incident, you get a free oil change and car wash. And so you have money left over for the second part of getting your car its fluids - gas. Surely the money from a free oil change should buy at least enough gas to... drive out of my garage. And I'm sure selling an organ or two should cover most of the rest of the trip. So me and my car are ready to go.
- posted by Darcey @ 10:08 PM

 
The Saga of the Fish Tank, Chapter 2

Times were tough for Bert. He watched helplessly as his cousin began spending more and more time floating alone near the top of the tank. Though he had always been timid and slow in the presence of the guppies, Bert finally realized he had nothing left to lose by confronting them. He began swimming toward the food as soon as it appeared. When the guppies came near, he stood his ground.

And to his surprise, the guppies said nothing. Little Ernie, who looked up to Bert as the only role model he had ever known, watched closely. And soon, he was swimming right alongside his cousin, next to the guppies. Bert was proud of himself and his cousin for their bold move and was certain that things were looking up.

But were the guppies really ready to treat the white clouds with respect, or at least restore to them the goods and services they deserved as residents of the caves? Or were they just distracted by their own problems?

The latter was the case for Antonio. Though it appeared to the rest of the tank that his world was completely absorbed by land and Lucy, he actually had other concerns - concerns that went beyond the confines of the tank. You see, Antonio's move to the seemingly insignificant community of Kitchen Counter was not by chance, and this mysterious foreigner's professional pursuits were not limited to land development. In addition to being prime property, Kitchen Counter offered a strategically located view of many neighboring areas, including the land-based communities of Kitchen Table and Futon, and this was important for a spy like Antonio. Yes, that's right, a spy - I was shocked to learn it as well. Even I do not know the extent of his mission or his politics, but suffice it to say he cannot be bothered by the pesky uprisings of a few peasant white clouds.

Meanwhile, life was not as it seemed for Lucy, either. On the inside, she was terribly distraught by the increasingly violent behavior of her suitors. She did not share her despair with the outside world, however. What the outside world saw was a pampered, glowing, happy mother-to-be. The residents of Kitchen Counter went to sleep one night certain that there community would soon grow to include some new, very young residents. The next morning, however, Lucy no longer seemed quite so pregnant. What had happened? Had, over the course of the night, her fry been born and eaten? The tank was full of possible motives for cannibalism - was it a depressed mother, a frustrated father, a jealous lover, or the hungry lower class? Or was Kitchen Counter just too stressful and crowded to allow Lucy a full and healthy pregnancy? Or is the author of this story simply completely unqualified to diagnose pregnancy in a fish, similar to the way she is unable to ascertain with certainty whether Bert and Ernie are in fact male?

Find out next time.
- posted by Darcey @ 9:30 PM

 

The Saga of the Fish Tank

Once upon a time, there were two guppies called Charlie and Lucy. They lived in a bare, rural tank in the area known as Kitchen Counter. Their lives were simple, but they were happy and in love.

Then one day a wealthy foreign property owner, a tequila sunrise guppy named Antonio, moved to Kitchen Counter. He had grand schemes to develop the area, and he immediately set about constructing affordable high-rise caves. For himself, he fashioned a magnificent mansion out of some old ruins.

One of Antonio's first lucky tenants was a white cloud fish named Bert. Bert brought with him to Kitchen Counter his young cousin, affectionately nicknamed Ernie. Bert had looked after his cousin almost since he was an egg, when they were separated from their family in the great Petsmart Invasion. The two were thrilled to be out of their crowded Petsmart tenement and into a cave of their own, and they were very grateful to the guppy.

Almost overnight, the quiet tank became a bustling, crowded metropolis. And then came the day when Antonio saw Lucy. He was immediately intrigued by her quaint country charms. Antonio was used to getting what he wanted, and he decided he wanted Lucy. He waited until Charlie left to approach her. Lucy was stunned. A plain, simple girl, she was not used to the attentions of such an exotic, dashing foreigner. His good looks and smooth talking soon got the better of her good judgment, and she found herself swimming away with him.

When Charlie returned and realized what had happened, he was naturally furious. He raced off to the ruins and pounced on Antonio, with murderous intentions. Alas, he soon realized he was no match for the stronger foreigner. He left in shameful defeat, and, looking back at Antonio's vast estate, Charlie began to see just how much Antonio had to offer Lucy that he did not. And he vowed then and there that he would make himself worthy of Lucy - he would become as great and powerful as Antonio. Back at the ruins, Lucy realized what a terrible thing she had done to Charlie. But while she was overcome with guilt, she could not pull herself away from the intriguing new world that Antonio had shown her. She didn't know what to do or who to choose.

True to his word, Charlie quickly rose to prominence in Kitchen Counter. He and Antonio became bitter enemies, fighting for power and land, as well as Lucy. At any moment, one or both could be found doting on Lucy, catering to her every whim, each trying to outdo the other. They battled constantly. Lucy was sucked further into the world of luxury; she had never felt so pampered. Though she knew something was wrong, she found herself enjoying almost every second of it. At first.

Meanwhile, Bert and Ernie were facing a very different world. The white clouds were a small and poor fish. They never expected to live the fabulous lives of guppies. They didn’t dare come to the top of the tank to compete with the guppies for fresh food. They were perfectly satisfied with the scraps that floated down to their much-loved cave. They observed the torrid love triangle with a mild curiosity from afar, but for the most part, they kept to themselves. They had their own priorities – food and shelter – and the complications that seemed to go along with guppy life baffled them.

So at first the fact that the larger, prettier guppies ignored the white clouds was no problem at all. It seemed only natural. But that was before the battle between Charlie and Antonio. The two property owners began hoarding everything they could get their hands on, battling over every morsel of food and every water drop in the tank for themselves. Little was left over for their tenants. The caves fell into disrepair and fewer scraps of food reached the bottom.

And yet, despite all their efforts, neither Charlie nor Antonio seemed to be able to win their most desired prize – Lucy. In fact, the more they chased after Lucy, the more she grew sick of their attentions. She never had a moment of peace or rest without one of them swimming in front of her path, begging her to choose him. She began to long for the good old days with Charlie – the calm, quiet days, before Antonio and his caves. But the Charlie she knew and loved was gone, replaced with an arrogant, power-driven fish that her own actions had helped create. She had no one to turn to and no way out.

Things were looking bleak indeed for Kitchen Counter. What would become of them all? Found out in the next exciting chapter of the captivating melodrama, the Saga of the Fish Tank.

(Yes, I’m pretty sure everyone out there reading was just dying to know every little thing that happens to my fish, and yes, I’m pretty sure this is exactly what has happened. And yes, I do have better things to be doing, and yes, I’m still here writing this.)

- posted by Darcey @ 7:18 PM

 
How the Television Talks to Me

Yesterday I was looking at the fish, thinking how they needed names, when all of a sudden a guy on the television says "Charlie!" like he was trying to get someone's attention. And so I decided it was a sign that my boy guppy should be named Charlie. Then just now I was responding to a comment to my last blog post (see below) talking about how the girl guppy needed a name that went with Charlie. Then a few minutes later a sitcom came on with a pregnant lady who was talking about how if it was a boy she'd name it Charlie and if it was a girl she'd name it Lucy (which was followed by a joke about Peanuts characters). So clearly I'm receiving divine messages through the television about my fish. Perhaps this is a sign that the fish have indeed been blessed to live. They are alive after 48 whole hours, after all.

- posted by Darcey @ 9:52 PM

 
I have fish! Well, right now I have two little guppies in a big empty tank, and they're more or less sacrificial test fish. If their days on this earth are numbered (numbered to, say, 3 or 4), then I will just have a tank, but a tank in which I will be able to better fish-prepare the water ahead of time for the next time around, and these two fish will have nobly paved the way for future generations of thriving fish communities. But if God should smile upon the lives of these brave creatures and they should live, then I will reward them bountifully with friends and toys. And there will be much rejoicing.
- posted by Darcey @ 8:02 PM

 
Cubicles Are Bad For Your Health

Today I've been to the doctor because my right eye is red and irritated. Of course, there's nothing new about that, except maybe the great difficulty I was having keeping my eye open yesterday. But the thing is, I think this time the problem was brought on by my job. My eyes do not like to have contacts put in them in the morning before they want to be awake. My eyes do not like staring at a computer for eight hours straight. Plus, once my eyes started getting irritated yesterday, it took me over an hour to be able to leave and go home and take the contacts out.

Then at the doctor I learned that I'm getting fat. By fat I don't mean that I look different as far as I can tell, but that I've gained 5 or 6 pounds, I think, since whenever the last time a doctor weighed me. I really don't keep careful track of these things. (Of course, the nurse also told me I had a fever, leading me to believe I was actually sick and should stay in this evening and rest. However, subsequent research with a $5 thermometer from Walgreens was not able to replicate the nurse's findings.) My point is that this alleged weight gain is occurring despite the fact that I have been specifically exercising since I've gotten here (a half an hour or so after work at the apartment fitness room or going for a walk) and had not been regularly exercising for a while before coming here. I think the time I spent going about my business and walking to class at school amounted to more exercise than the time I am able to specially devote to exercise now. Now I have to sit in my cube all the freaking day long. I never move! I just stare at the screen, and slowly go blind...

And then there's my elbows and my posture, which like my eyes, was not so good to begin with . My posture and elbows suffer at the hands of the cube because I want to rest my head on my hands, but the desk is not high enough to do so comfortably, so I end up slouching and resting my elbows in hard and uncomfortable places until they are sore and can't be set comfortably anywhere.

So the moral of the story is: Stay in school, kids. Having a job will kill you.
- posted by Darcey @ 9:15 PM